Sunday March 24th.
Today I write for the last time and tomorrow I die...well that`s what I`m hearing from the `voices in my head` and reading in the book `Having Heart Surgery` - given to me by a well-meaning nurse at Basildon Hospital.
I wish she hadnt.
Page 16 of the British Heart Foundation publication states: "Before you have your operation the following people will visit you in the ward...the heart surgeon...the anaesthetist..a physiotherapist and someone from the cardiac rehabiliation team".
I feel sick and cant finish my marmite on toast.
It continues:
"About an hour or two before your operation is due to begin, you will be given a `pre-med`...this will help to relax you and make you feel sleepy before you have the general anaesthetic"
THIS IS THE FIRST INDICATION that you will have `no control` over your mind/body your life will be `in the hands of others`...and I cant handle that.
It adds: "When the theatre staff are ready for you...a porter and nurse will take you to the theatre suite...I prefer to call it `the death chamber`.
You will receive an injection of an anaesthetic medicine, so that you will stay asleep for the whole of the operation"
IN OTHER WORDS YOU WILL BE `SORT OF DEAD`...I really cant go along with this - what as I fear...something goes wrong and I dont wake-up?
It would be `great news` for my ex-wife and once news of my demise reached 22 Bridge Road Shotgate there would be much laughter...loud cheers and all-night celebrations.
SAM and ADAM are aware of this and both say "She`ll be over the moon and straight on the phone to her f*****g parents - then she`ll start sending us text messages and more letters - `badmouthing` you and trying to `get us back` - but we`ll tell her to `fuck off` ".
Adding "Dad dont have the op - if it goes wrong - you`ll be giving her what she wants"
IF THEY DONT PUT ME OFF...the words on Page 20 certainly do;
"The surgeon needs to be able to get to your heart which is in the centre of the chest...this means cutting your breastbone.
Your heart will need to be STOPPED and the blood will be diverted from your heart to a heart-ling machine"
THAT SOUNDS LIKE BEING DEAD TO ME!
"Once the heart has been STOPPED, the surgeon will use ateries from your chest wall or arm, or veins from your leg, to bypass the blockages in your coronary arteries"
I JUST CANT SEE MYSELF TURNING UP LIKE a `lamb to the slaughter` at Basildon Hospital. I can picture myself turning up at 1pm - pacing up and down - waiting to be admitted for 2pm - but I cant see myself slipping on me PJ`s and signing a consent form.
It would be like a turkey voting for Christmas.
IF YOU SURVIVE - though the book isnt that blunt - its not a actual quote - rather it says: "Once the surgeon has finished they will START your heart beating again"...thus confirming you have in fact been DEAD..."various tubes and wires will be connected to your body...and you will be transferred to the intensive care unit"
IT GETS WORSE;
"You will be kept asleep and connected to a ventilator...you will breath through a tube which passes through your mouth into your lungs...when you properly awake you will have an oxygen mask...you will be connected to various wires and tubes"
ONE of the tubes will be in my neck - and there is no way I can cope with that - I have a lifelong `fear` of not liking my throat being touched in anyway.
I CANT READ ANYMORE - I genunely feel `sick, scared, stressed` - to be honest I would rather `take my chances`...and see what happens...it would also mean I would still be in control of my mind, body and soul.
The truth is that tomorrow...there is no way I can see myself going along with this triple heart bypass operation...or more importantly having to...and there is `hope on the horizon`...as at this moment in time...I have the `sniffles`...`sore throat`...and to undergo major surgery you must be 100% free of `infection and colds`.
And I owe this fact to DAVID BOWIE...I got soaked...snowed on and frozen stiff yesterday after my visit to the Bowie V and A exhibition. (which was BRILLIANT)
I think I will turn up at Basildon Hospital with my bag...moccasin slippers. PJ`s and new dressing gown...but I`m pretty sure - they will take one look - and send me home - that is what I`m hoping.
As I write I do have `chest pains` - but I think thats stress and down to reading that Heart Foundation Book - in a hour I`m planning to take a long walk in the snow - without my Crombie or Sheepskin - just to make sure my cold gets `worse`.
I am like a Essex version of Lindsay Lohan - I can always pull something `out of the bag` - and this time its the `common cold`.
There are many reasons I want to avoid the operationn - fear, cowardness (I admit) - but there are also other reasons.
In the past ten days - despite my `illness` I have been encouraged to `fight on` with my Campaign For Justice.
My batteries have been recharged.
Thanx to the 3517 documents I obtained from Essex County Council and the information contained all the allegations I made in December 2012 and January 2013 are now being investigated.
The new Head of ECC after intervention from my MP John Baron - has ordered a Independent Inquiry into my case (2005/2012).
All documentation relating to the investigation has been seen by my MP and signed by SAM, ADAM and myself.
We have confirmation of who will be leading inquiry - a person with NO connection to ECC - a leeter was received by us this week.
As was in writing - confirmation from The Bar Standards - The OJC and IPCC - that information obtained from the 3517 documents does give us strong enough `grounds` for the bent barrister, corrupt cops and the biased judge to be investigated.
NOW YOU KNOW why I cant risk going onto the operating table - FEAR is the main reason - but there are also other genuine reasons.
I also have the upcoming Court cases - Sam`a appeal - round one of Adam`s - my case against ECC/Social Services...all funded by the state because of my medical condition.
And let`s NOT forget my other Hearing at Basildon Court in May - my local Court - my local paper - my evidence - my `dream come true`.
I had lost heart (no pun intended) when I saw the impact of that Mothers Day picture. I honestly thought my work was done and although I`ve kept my promise to never again write about the porn movies, bedroom secrets and affairs of my ex-wife...I gave my `word` it`s a promise I wont break.
I can NOT risk losing the chance of stating on `home turf` - knowing it will be reported in the local paper...that my ex-wife ADMITTED on oath at in 2005 Southend County Court to starring in porn movies.
I have submitted the evidence to the Court - and will give copies to who-ever requires them. I can not risk the opportunity of stating on oath that my ex-wife willingly gave pornographic pictures of herself to Basildon Police - and then lied that I was connected to them.
She also falsely claimed that the porno clips of her on the Internet were also linked to me...as I will state in Court...I have legal letters that confirm "Mr Johnson was NOT involved in anyway with the pornographic pictures of Julie Johnson that she handed to the Police...and was NOT responsible for any of her porn clips that appear on the Internet"
I HAVE LIVED with that slur against my character for many years - and I can not risk my chance of `clearing my name`.
I told the Police I was "innocent" and suggested that her boyfriend Richard Grimson or others could of taken the pictures or posted film clips on the Internet - and I will repeat every word both on oath and in open Court.
Also the surgeon told me that If I have the operation on 26th March - that he cant promise I`ll be fit enough to appear in Court on May 1st...so again that is something else I have to consider.
Apart from fear of the op...and my life-long `FEAR` of hospitals...there is also my ego and character to consider.
I dont want to go out with a `whimper`...with `work` still to be done...as I said after Mothers Day - I have nothing else to say...or need to write about my ex-wife...as that picture "said it all" to my sons...but I still have to `right the wrongs` of ECC - Essex Social Services and Peter Brown.
I fought long and hard to obtain those 3517 documents - and it would be a `crime` if I didnt use them to get JUSTICE for my 3 children.
I want to go out with a BANG - I want to be both a Martyr and a cause celeb.
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