Those are the two David Bowie songs I want played at my funeral.
And as I reach `the final curtain` (maybe 48 hours from now)...I have death on my mind - I have hardly slept for a week...and instead re-lived my past remembering `magic moments`.
I have come to the conclusion that I have always been a follower...rather then a leader...and that responsbility did not fit my character.
At school I was the happy `right-hand man` of Vere Bishop...as a `Party animal` I was `in the shadow` of Hughie Gadson...as a writer I was under the influence of Garry Bushell...and for 15 years I played `second fiddle` to Julie Johnson.
I aint complaining...I was never a `doormat`...but throughout my life I always needed to be a `Number Two`.
Was this because I`m lazy?- "yes"
Was it because I could never make decisions? - "yes"
Is it because I get `easily bored` when left to my own devices? - "yes"
I have always enjoyed being a "rebel"...it is not a act...it is part of my DNA.
At school, Remand Homes, Detention Centre, Approved School, Special Unit, Borstal - I was always a rebel...and hungout with the `bad boys`.
I remember being at Kidlington DC - and my best mate was a character called Roy Heath...who we all called Ted...even at Fourteen...you could tell he was gonna be a `face...I have Googled him...and as a adult went onto become one of the biggest gangsters in West London.
Another character was a black bloke called Leebert Chambers from White Hart Lane..he was a `nutter` and on one occassion we escaped and jumped the train from Hertford...to I think Tottenham Hale...and dropped in on his relatives.
The place had pictures of Mohammed Ali all over the place - lost touch - but no doubt he`s still a naughty boy!
I was always attracted to like minded souls.
I enjoyed being a `teenage tearaway` - where the main attractions/activities for the gang was football...stealing cars...I was always a passenger - robbing shops - breaking into places - and getting girls round to empty houses.
But as soon as I heard Ziggy Stardust I was bored with all that...I wanted proper excitement...I wanted to be David Bowie.
I dumped all my old gang - except for Vere - stopped being a Skinhead...and started going to Pop concerts - Bowie...Roxy Music...Mott The Hoople...Cockney Rebel...Rod Stewart.
Now Ziggy Stardust was my God...but Rod Stewart was my Number Two.
I loved everything about David Bowie...had the Ziggy haircut...dyed red and orange...but because of my `big nose`...I eventually decided on looking like Rod...but I told people...myself included that it was a `Mick Ronson`.
Bowie was number one for music...drugs...fashion...but I was attracted to Rod because of his love of Blondes and Football.
Both have been a life-long passion of mine.
But part of me was still a `teenage tearaway` - "you can take the boy out of the gang - but cant take the gang out of the boy"...or something like that.
As much as I wanted to be a rock and roller and get into showbiz - I couldnt stop being a massive fan of The Kray Twins and The Great Train Robbers.
Once a fan - always a fan - as loyalty is part of my DNA.
When I joined Sounds as a writer I refused to say anything bad about my Heroes - once a David Bowie review was threatened with the `axe` because it read like a fan letter - but I refused to back down...I still have the cutting in my scrap book.
One thing has been with me all my life and that is LOYALTY.
Take my ex-wife...she has lied about me...stolen my daughter...my house...all my money...and got me locked-up in Bellmarsh prison by telling lies.
She tried to seperate me from my sons - but I could never lie about her - as that would be disloyal "to what we once had"
I would never be disloyal to her...Garry Bushell...Hughie Gadson or Vere Bishop.
Next to `grassing` ...the `act of betrayal` is the biggest crime in the world.
If some-one asked me to describe the `looks` of Julie Johnson...I would have to be honest...and say that "her face is in my opinion the best I have ever seen"
True most page 3 girls have a better figure - as does Amanda Holdern and Ola Jordan - but none come close when it comes to `faces`.
I have always been attracted to blonde hair...pretty faces...and slim figures...anything above a size 10 has never appealed.
Now TVs Holly Willoughby - beautiful face - lovely hair - but lets be honest `big bum` and footballers legs...why doesnt she diet?
But Julie Johnson has the perfect face and hair - I was hooked and attracted by both the first time I set eyes on her - and the attraction never died.
Dont make her a `nice person` - which she isnt anymore - and hasnt been since September 2004 - but that face will always be Number One in my book.
Why do I keep mentioning my ex-wife?
Well as I`m writing a sort of "goodbye" letter and setting out my legacy...I have to mention the peope who made the biggest inpact on my life.
And the reason I mention Julie Johnson the most - is because although Garry Bushell and Hughie Gadson also influenced my life more then any others - I never shagged them - or loved them in a physical way.
My other major influences were David Bowie...Rod Stewart...Georgie Best and The Kray Twins...but I never slept with them either.
The fact is although born a Cockney Rebel...being a former teenage tearaway...rock and roll wild child...and Punk Poet...I am also a `old romantic`.
I have only loved one woman and that was Julie Johnson - she was `the love of my life`...and I will not lie to erase that fact from my legacy.
Lying does not get you anywhere. I was throughout 2011 `friends` with a very pretty girl...she was a single mum-of-two and only 23...she was not blonde...and looked a `slim` version of the Whitney character from Eastenders.
I of course `lied` about my age - took 15 years off and `got away with it` LOL...it is easily done because I do look `very good` for my age...but in December the local paper printed a story about me...and mentioned my AGE.
I tried to `bluff it`...but although young...she was not stupid...and aint spoke to me since...I saw her in Basildon before Xmas...she was taking her kids to see Santa...but she `blanked me` LOL.
Previously...I was `friends` with a very pretty 29-year-old woman from Pitsea...a "bloody disaster"...great fun at first...but she turned out to be a `nutter`...she was "Bi-polar"...and according to FB... a `schoolfriend-of-a-friend` of my ex-wife.
The first time was `a bit of fun` as I turned on the charm...and told all my stories...but the 2nd and last time were a `nightmare`.
1. A mexican restaurant in Southend - great laugh - but the next day I went into the Wickford Halifax...and the bloke behaind the counter said "I saw you last night" - I was so embarrassed - I dont know why but I felt as if I`d `cheated` on my wife.
2. This time an Indian in Southend - within minutes I was bored - and when she went off to the loo - I found myself wanting it to be Julie who came back to the table and not her.
3. A pub in Southend - why did I turn up? She phoned - we met she looked `better then ever` - but was a bit `out of it`...I cant stand `drunk` or `weird women`...plus however good she looked - she werent Julie was she?
After about 30 minutes I said I was going "to the gents" and sneaked out the door.
I did feel bad...but..
(a) She told me she was bi-polar
(b) I think she was older then 29 - cos she kept going on about her age
(c) I got bored
Since Julie - I did sort of `fall in love`...`and fall for` a woman I thought looked like both Ola Jordan and Amanda Holdern...she was a very nice person...but was also married.
I was also very briefly `friendly` with a woman from Rayleigh - divorced but had 3 kids - can you imagine...`worst bloody nightmare`.
The thing is with Julie I `punched above my weight` looks-wise...and I would never get involved with another woman because I have SAM and ADAM...and I know they wouldnt approve.
If I was an animal...I`d be a "swan"...as they only fall in love `once`.
With Julie I did believe I`d met my `soul mate`...It was "lust at first sight"...that quickly turned to `love`...well sort of...cos I dont think anyone really knows what `love` is.
But for me it werent just fancying her like `mad`...it was liking her `sense of humour`...`personality` and enjoying her company.
Also is `true love` when the lust doesnt die?
Example:
I remember `slow-dancing` with Julie at a party...and I dont know the `proper term`...but half-way through her friend Denise...sort of `cut in`...and I was suddenly dancing with her...and as I`d been close-up to Julie I had a `hard-on`and Denise felt it LOL.
We both laughed - and I joked I had a torch in my pocket...I remember Denise telling Julie...and others LOL.
The point of the story - this was about 10 years after we`d met...thus proving..in my book...despite by that time having had 2 kids...Julie still turned me on.
That was I believe NOT just cos I loved her/fancied her...but because her dressing up...the porn movies...stopped me from being `bored`.
I never `cheated` betwen 1989-2005...was never `tempted`...because Julie would stop me getting `bored` by dressing up and pretending to be some-one else.
I didnt need to `cheat`...as Julie would be my `bit on the side`...when she dressed up as a Policewoman...sexy schoolgirl...naughty nurse...or hooker.
Although I loved her...and no other person ever got so close to me...there was one thing that always made me feel uncomfortable.
I did not like her coming into the bathroom...and having a `wee`...while I was in the bath or having a shave...at 64 Chestnut Road we had a `upstairs and a downstairs toilet`...but she still did it.
It`s strange because we both licked every variety of yogurt...chocolate sauce...strawberrys...and `god knows what else` off each others private parts...but that one thing `turned my stomach`.
Away from `The Joys of Sex`...just as Garry Bushell taught me how to write reviews and articles...it was Julie who taught me how to use a computer.
She went to Night School with her friend Denise...and then showed me what to do...so in many ways I will always be grateful to her.
That is why despite everything...I always remain loyal...the fact is...if Julie needed a kidney...or whatever I would give her mine...that is just the way I am.
She would not give me `the time of day` LOL...but I would willingly give her my blood...because she is the mother of my 3 children...three times Julie gave me the `greatest gift` a woman can give a man.
I`d also give blood and a kidney to my kids...and also Garry Bushell.
I have hardly slept for over a week...and as well as writing...I have been playing old CDs and watching my favourite DVD comedies.
The Office...Only Fools And Horses...Ever Decreasing Circles remind me of Julie.
Minder reminds me of Garry Bushell.
The only favourite that has no links with my past is The Inbetweeners - because it isnt pre-2005...to me it is a masterpiece...and as with Fawlty Towers I can watch every single epsode `again and again`.
As I said to Sam yesterday - "I cant watch all of the episode set in a OAP home - I have to fast forward certain clips"
Is this because I`ve never liked `old people`...they bore me...or is it because I`m "scared" of growing old...which brings me back to my heart condition.
If I have the operation - it wont cure me - it wont stop me growing old - so why bother to put myself through such major surgery?
The Doctors can prolong life - but can not improve it - once you have a dodgy ticker - you have it for always and forever.
Monday January 14th:
12pm (High-noon)
I will probably turn up for the pre-op stuff...can handle the 3/4 hours of tests...but not sure about the actual operation.
They can not force me to sign the consent form.
If it wasnt for SAM and ADAM...I wouldnt bother with any of it...I have told them not to visit...as I dont want them to see me with wires and tubes coming out of my body.
The fact is throughout my life I always wanted to be `other people`...and the "two of me" (in-joke) never knew who I was LOL.
No comments:
Post a Comment