The letter I should of written and things I should of said...had I done both...the content of this book would have been a lot of different.
Without being all `Mills And Boon` about it...I will write that letter now...but hopefully I`ll still come across as a Cockney Rebel and not sound like a wimp
The fact is when my oldest was born I should of writen to my parents and out-laws saying "look I`m a dad now and I dont want no negative thoughts around my kids...no talk of my past"
But I didnt and that allowed the past to intrude on my adult life and the childhood of my kids.
My children should never of known that I came from a broken home or that I ended up in various childrens homes, Approved School, Detention Centre and Borstal.
When they asked why they had 6 grand-parents I should of said because were `Moonies` or `Mormons`.
Without being unkind to the dead...oh why not? ...tell it as it is/was...if the cap fits...how can I be honest without saying my dad was a `low-life , selfish bastard?`
He also made me what I am today...the opposite to him...thank God I didnt follow in his footsteps...he walked out on me when I was a kid for a foul-mouthed tart with the personality of Myra Hindley...as you can guess I didnt like my wicked stepmother!
My own mother also abandoned me...her defence was `well your dad left me and I needed to make a better life for myself`...note "for herself" ...it did not include me.
Now before I continue I aint moaning...this aint a sob story...cos I spent the next 17 years on my own...with no rules...no boundaries...no restrictions...hardly seeing either of them...and was genuinely happy...did my own thing...had a great time...so I aint looking for pity...I hade a
ball as they say...sex and drugs and rock `n`roll.
I had no-one to answer too...lived day to day...and all was cushty.
But when I got engaged...then married...these two `strangers` came back into my life...and so did my past...for years I had locked it away...forgot about it...by using drink and drugs...but bit by bit my past came back to haunt me...and then destroy everything I had built in my adult life.
I remember a incident...that at the time didnt `ring any bells`...or set off any alarms...but now I can see the sinister side of what took place.
For Seventeen years I had not excisted...had not a met a single relative of the man my mum married...I was a outcast...I cant remember if it was just after I got engaged or married...but I was suddenly invited to a `family party` in Barking...looking back I should not of gone...but sadly I did...as I didnt know then what I know now.
Since my parents split I spent 15 Christmas`s without them...again not complaining as I still had a great time ...with the help of mates, alcohol and speed.
I spent one Christmas with my mum and some relatives when I was 17 or 18...but couldnt handle it...from memory I went out to the local pub...met some girl in the disco (showing my age LOL)...and returned Boxing Day morning.
Once I went to a hotel with my dad and his friends in either Margate or Ramsgate and did the same...met some girl and didnt return for 24 hours...I couldnt cope being with my parents...or rather I couldnt handle my mum and dad being with `other people`...who were not my blood relatives.
The fact is I couldnt cope with them being `together` either...let me explain...when I got married it was the first time for 18 years that I had been in the same room with both my mum and dad...worse there `partners` were also there...and it freaked me out.
I couldnt drink because I knew I`d say something to the 4 of them...but GOD I wish I had...something like "fuck off"...and I couldnt self medicte with Speed or Charlie...because I`d given my `word` to Julie that I`d stop taking drugs.
That day ...not because I was marrying Julie...I aint having a dig at her honest...was without doubt the worst day of my life...it affected me...it did something to me that I cant explain.
I cant believe how I ended up in the same room at the same time as those four people...and I never put myself in that situation ever again.
There are a few `incidents` that still give me `nightmares/flashbacks` and make me `shake me up`.
My dad walking out...I can remember it like yesterday...it was Saturday 1pm and I`d just came back from Pitsea Market with my mate Vere...and my dad said "I`m leaving"...he gave us both 50p...f*****G big spender a? and left...he didnt say "goodbye" or where he was going...he just left...he didnt come home that night...and didnt come to watch me play football on the Sunday.
It was the first game he ever missed...and he never again watched me play football...I remember my Manager Mr Stanley, my mates and the other parents asking where my dad was...and not being able to answer...
But I cant remember where my mum was...she left sometime on the Friday...she was there when I went to school...but not when I came home...I do remember her coming in for about 10 minutes...about 6pm... when I was getting ready for the Friday Night Disco...but didnt see her again for ages.
My dad went to live in Plaistow...my mum moved to Grays...and from I can remember they both thought I was being `looked after` by the other.
It didnt bother me at the time...I was Thirteen with a empty house...and my mates and me had the run of the place...I was never on my own cos people would stay the night...I was lucky that most of my mates were older then me...Vere was two years older and always seemed to have money...so I was like a `pig in shit`...empty house, mates, girls, alcohol, speed...but it later years it wasnt funny...as without realising at the time it did affect me.
Another incident was from my first time at Boyles Court Remand Home when I was 12...it werent a juvenile prison...more like a Childrens Home...but I think they called it a Remand Home to `scare you`...it had a few volunteers...F*****g pervets who helped out...dont think it would be allowed nowadays...but the first Sunday night att about 9pm...this c**t who arrived in a Toc H bus...and was about 40-50 sat on my bed and touched me ABOVE the blanket...and BELOW my belly button area...nothing else happened...but I aint never forgot...and I went back a year later about 6 inches taller and with a Number 1 crop...lets just say I got my own back on the Ronnie Corbett lookalike.
Another incident that still gives me the shivers is being `attacked` at a party by a female with a crush on me...let me explain...I was 15 and she was a couple of years older.
Now my dad gave me one bit of advice...it was `sound` and something I`ve stuck to all my life...but the truth is the advice was more for his benefit then mine.
He said "I dont want to ever see you talking to a fat bird in the street"..adding "Dont show me up...because if I drove past with my mates I would be so embarrassed"...and I can see where he was coming from cos I`d hate to see my sons talking to `fat old dogs`.
I still feel ill when I see the likes of Fat Heather from Eastenders, Dawn Fench or Vanessa Feltz on TV...it turns my stomach...the only fat woman I like is Jo Brand because of her razor-sharp wit...but I can only watch her on Have I got News For You, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Mock The Week or Would I lie To You because she`s sitting behind a desk...I can handle her fat head...but not her body.
Now at this party I was walking up the stairs to the bathroom and this fat girl grabbed me...groped me and tried to kiss me..it was vile...and I felt so dirty...the truth is I have never understood the reason God created fat women...what are they for...why do they excist.
There is nothing worse then a fat ugly tub of lard going on TV and saying /Lying "I love being fat -`m happy the way I am" - Bollocks.
There is not a fat woman - anything above a size 10 is fat in my book ...who wouldnt love to wake up with a body like Kate Moss, Ola Jordan, Amanda Holden, Denise Van Outen or Aby Clancy...and that is a fact.
It is a 100% fact...but not sexist.
The truth is 99% of most women would rather wake up with David Beckham then James Corden, Steve McFadden, Billy Bunter...or even me LOL...
Another incident that still gives me flashbacks/nightmares is the birth of my first son...an emergency caeseran where I nearly lost him...and his mother...that incident affected me so badly I dont think I`ll ever get over it...
For the record my mum and dad were `fine` with other people...loved by other people...but I just couldnt forget what they did to me...they betrayed me...and I betrayed myself by trying to `re-build bridges`.
But because I`m a big softie at heart...I allowed them back into my life...to have contact with their granchildren...I did it for the kids...but in the back of my mind...then in the front of my mind...I would have very clear `flashbacks`...I`d remember when I was 15 or 16 going up North to see my mum and her saying "dont call me mum in the garden...because the neighbours dont know I`ve got children"...that f*****g hurt...and I aint never forgotten.
But still I didnt want the past to impact on my kids...but it was so hard seeing my evil stepmother kissing, cuddling and playing with my kids...the very woman who forced my weak and disloyal dad to put me into care...
If only I had put my family first moved to Norfolk or emigrated to Australia...but I was too loyal for my own good.
My mum would still talk to me as if I was 12 or 13...and I could and I would sort of revert to a kid...I`m sure others saw it...but I couldnt at the time...now the last 2 times I saw my mum she went into her old routine in front of female friends...that being talkind down to me...saying what a handful I was as a kid...uncontrollable and made her life a misery...she would then slag off my dad...the next day I had to apologise to both Diane and Justine.
Neither had asked about my past, my dad, how much her house was worth or the fact that her garden backed onto the Golf Course...for a slight moment I found myself almost reverting to a teenager...but I just got up and walked into the kitchen...once bitten twice shy as they say.
My dad also had a similar habit of talking about my past...but never there own...neither told anyone how they both walked out on me...I wonder why not?
The fact is I should of banned all grandparents from saying anything negative or discussing my past with my children
MTF
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